VOYAGE IN PERSON - THE BOYS ARE BACK

By Allan Hunt

Chief Sharkey - Terry Becker
Kowalski - Del Monroe
Riley - Allan Hunt

Crewman #1 - Richard Ryan
Crewman #2 - Ian Boyce
Crewman #3 - Rudi Vangemerden

Darkness.

Eerie howling wind effect

Dramatic "Orson Welles" v/o is heard:

ANNCR

Long, long ago. In a galaxy far, far away . . . or at least as far West as Los Angeles . . . there once was a sleek, silver submarine of the future known as ... the Seaview!!

In the year of our Lord, 1964 through 1968, A.D., the Seaview patrolled the vast and dangerous oceans of 20th Century-Fox studios, keeping the world safe from mad scientists, political terrorists, and inexpensive-looking monsters.

It was originally thought that the Seaview was commanded by two men: Admiral Harriman Nelson, a quiet and dignified veteran, and Capt. Lee Crane, a handsome and stern disciplinarian who managed to keep his hair neat even while wearing a yellow wet suit.

But we now know the real story -- the daily running of the Seaview was not in the hands of these two capable men, but rather faithfully executed by three others on board. Three loyal, strange, and hopelessly inept underlings known as . . . the Seaview Crew!!!

Yes: Macbeth had its three witches, the Romans had the Triumvirate, baseball has three strikes -- the Seaview had these three.

First, there was Chief Francis Sharkey! (TERRY APPEARS ON STAGE -- AUDIENCE CHEERS.) Yes, Chief Sharkey. A man whose bark was always worse than his bite, and who wore Hawaiian shirts while playing cards, claiming emphatically that he was not superstitious, but wore the shirts rather, as he put it, for "luck."

Then there was Seaman Kowalski! (DEL APPEARS ONSTAGE -- SHAKES HANDS WITH TERRY -- AUDIENCE CHEERS). Yes, Kowalski, a fine figure of a man in a red jump suit, who served the Seaview with coolness and gallantry, but could always be counted upon to go berserk while shooting German WW1 ghosts haunting the submarine.

The third member of this notorious trio was hip-talking surfer, Stu Riley! (ALLAN APPEARS ONSTAGE, "HIGH-FIVES" THE OTHER TWO. AUDIENCE CHEERS). Yes, Stu Riley, the youngest member of the crew, always getting into trouble, yet, mysteriously, always included in every dangerous mission of the Seaview. Riley spoke in a strange language none of the others could quite understand. A language, by the way, even the actor portraying Riley couldn't quite understand. But that's another story.

Ladies and gentlemen of the world, we give to you: Sharkey, Kowalski and Riley ... the Seaview Crew!!! (THE THREE WAVE TO THE AUDIENCE, ASSUME "HEROIC" STANCES.)

These three men were as different as could be -- yet there were certain bonding experienes that once shared brought them together forever aboard the sub. (3 COLLISION LURCHES IN UNISON -- LEFT/RIGHT/LEFT AGAIN).

But there were more critical challenges: the life and death struggles. We will now examine some short instances in the lives of Sharkey, Kowalski and Riley and the everyday dramas they encountered on the Seaview while on their Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. . .

SKIT #1

(TERRY IS PACING NERVOUSLY BACK AND FORTH. CREWMAN #1, CREWMAN #2, ARE LC, ARMS FOLDED, AWAITING ORDERS. RILEY ENTERS, CARRYING SEVERAL LETTER SIZE PAGES.)

Riley

Chief! Chief! I came as you ordered.

Sharkey

Never mind that, Riley -- did you bring the important papers?

Riley

Yes, Chief, here they are!!

Sharkey

(TAKING PAGES, EXAMINING THEM).

These are not the important papers! Guards! Take Riley down to the Brig and clap him in irons!

(CREWMAN #1 AND #2 PULL RILEY O.S., RILEY PROTESTING ALL THE WAY).

Riley

No! No! I'm innocent. AAAAAAAH!

(CREWMAN #1 AND #2 REAPPEAR, DUSTING OFF HANDS, RESUME ORIGINAL STANCE AWAITING FURTHER ORDERS --SHARKEY PACES AGAIN. CREWMAN #3 ENTERS, HOLDING LETTER SIZE PAGES).

Crewman #3

Chief! Chief! I came as you ordered!

Sharkey

Never mind that -- did you bring the important papers?

Crewman #3

Yes, Chief, here they are!

Sharkey

(TAKING PAGES, EXAMINING THEM).

These are not the important papers! Guards! Take this man down to the missile room and torpedo him into the ocean!

Crewman #3

No! No! I was only trying to help! I was only -- AAAAAAAH!

(CREWMAN #1 AND #2 RE-APPEAR, DUSTING OFF HANDS, RESUME ORIGINAL STANCE. SHARKEY PACES AGAIN).

Kowalski

(ENTERING, CARRYING SHOEBOX).

Chief! Chief! I came as you ordered!

Sharkey

Never mind that! Did you bring the important papers?

Kowalski

Yes, Chief, here they are!

(HANDS SHOEBOX TO CHIEF).

Sharkey

(OPENING SHOEBOX, PEERING INSIDE -- GREATLY RELIEVED).

Aaaaaaah! These are the important papers!

(LIFTS ROLL OF TOILET PAPER FROM BOX, HOLDS IT HIGH TRIUMPHANTLY).

BLACK OUT. ALL EXIT.

---

ANNCR

The next challenge met by our boys was on the day of Kowalski's birthday. With all the daily feats of heroism performed by the "Ski" aboard the Seaview, it was thought that he was entitled to a special day off. Riley, Sharkey, and others in the crew, would serve him a special home-cooked meal from the mess hall -- with Riley as a waiter and Chief Sharkey, himself, as the Head Chef.

SKIT#2

(RILEY AND KOWALSKI ENTER).

Riley

Hey, Ski, like . . . right this way, man. Like, far-out. Like way-out, man. It's your birthday! Like, that's heavy, man. You have achieved heaviosity! Today we wait on you, man. We are serving you lunch. (KOWALSKI SITS). I'm your waiter, man. What'll it be?

Kowalski

Thanks, Riley. What's the soup of the day?

Riley

(CALLING O.S.) Hey, Chief! What's the soup of the day?

Sharkey

(FROM O.S.) Chicken noodle or split pea!

Riley

(TO KOWALSKI)

Chicken noodle or split pea.

Kowalski

I'll have the chicken noodle.

Riley

(CALLING O.S.)

Chief! One chicken noodle!

Kowalski

Oh, no. I've changed my mind. I'll have the split pea instead.

Riley

(CALLING O.S.)

Chief! Hold the chicken and make it pea! (EXITS -- RETURNS WITH BOWL, PLACES IT BEFORE KOWALSKI). There you go, my man.

Kowalski

Thanks, Riley. I . . . Riley! I can't eat the soup.

Riley

But that's what you ordered.

Kowalski

I know, but I can't eat the soup.

Riley

Are you sure, man?

Kowalski

I can't eat the soup.

Riley

Bummer! Well, I'll have to get the manager.

(EXITS)

Crewman #1

(ENTERING W/RILEY) Hello, I'm the acting manager here at the Seaview Dining Room. What seems to be the problem?

Kowalski

I can't eat the soup.

Crewman #1

But isn't that what you ordered?

Kowalski

Yes, but I can't eat the soup.

Crewman #1

This is terrible! I must get the owners.

(CREWMAN #1 AND RILEY EXIT).

Crewman #2 and #3

(ENTERING WITH RILEY AND CREWMAN #1).

Crewman #2

Good evening, Sir. We are the owners of the Seaview Diner.

Crewman #3

We understand you can't eat the soup.

Kowalski

I can't eat the soup.

Crewman #2

But we are famous for our soups.

Crewman #3

They have won prizes!

Kowalski

I'm sorry. I can't eat the soup.

Crewman #2

All right. We're going to get the cook.

(EXITING W/RILEY, CREWMAN #1 AND #3).

Crewman #3

And he's going to be m-a-a-a-a-d!

(AFTER A MOMENT, TERRY ENTERS WITH RILEY, CREWMAN #1, #2 AND #3 FOLLOWING. TERRY WEARS A CHEF'S HAT AND IS SLAPPING A ROLLING PIN THREATENINGLY ACROSS HIS PALM).

Sharkey

What's this I hear you can't eat my soup?

Kowalski

I can't eat the soup.

Sharkey

People come from miles around for my soup. There have been articles written about my soups.

Kowalski

I know, but I can't eat the soup.

Sharkey

Everybody loves my soups -- even Irwin Allen has enjoyed my soup.

Kowalski

That's impressive, but I still can't eat the soup.

ALL IN UNISON

WHY CAN'T YOU EAT THE SOUP?!!!

Kowalski
(COWED)

I don't have a spoon. (ALL RUSH KOWALSKI WITH ATTEMPTS TO STRANGLE).

BLACK OUT. ALL EXIT

---

ANNCR

And finally, there was the day that Stu Riley was entrusted to stand guard outside the Seaview while docked in port. It was always a comfort to the rest of the crew, knowing that their safety and well-being was in such intelligent and capable hands as those of surfer, Stu Riley.

SKIT #3

(RILEY IS DISCOVERED SEARCHING THE GROUND FOR SOMETHING -- MOVING AROUND SLOWLY).

Sharkey

(ENTERING)

Riley, what are you doing? You're supposed to be on guard.

Riley

Sorry, Chief. I dropped my watch.

Sharkey

Well, they don't call you "butter fingers Riley" for nothing. Can I help you look for it?

Riley

Yeah, Chief. Thanks.
(THE TWO BEGIN SEARCHING.)

Crewman #3

(ENTERING)

Hey fellas! What's up?

Sharkey

Riley dropped his watch.

Crewman #3

Can I help?

Sharkey

Yeah, Sure.

Riley

Thanks!

(THE THREE BEGIN SEARCHING).

Crewman #2

(ENTERING)

What's happening guys?

Sharkey

Riley dropped his watch,

Crewman #2

Could you use an extra man?

Sharkey

Yeah, sure.

Riley

Thanks!

(THE FOUR BEGIN SEARCHING.)

Crewman #1

(Entering)

Hey, fellas, what's going on?

Sharkey

Riley dropped his watch

Crewman #1

Need anyone else to look?

Sharkey

Yeah, sure.

Riley

Thanks!

(THE FIVE BEGIN SEARCHING.)

Kowalski

(ENTERING)

Hey, what is this? I thought we were all going out on liberty tonight.

Sharkey

Riley dropped his watch.

Kowalski

Let me help you look for it.

Riley

Thanks!

(ALL SIX BEGIN SEARCHING. AFTER A MOMENT, SHARKEY STRAIGHTENS UP.)

Sharkey

Say, Riley. Where did you drop this watch, anyway?

Riley

(POINTING O.S. LEFT)

Over there.

ALL IN UNISON

THEN WHY ARE WE LOOKING FOR IT HERE???

Riley
(CHEERFULLY)

The light's better over here.

(ALL RUSH RILEY IN AN ATTEMPT TO STRANGLE).

BLACK OUT

ANNCR

And so it came to pass, that the Seaview Crew continued to flourish and travel for 4 years and finally sailed off into the sunset -- having faithfully served God and Irwin Allen, and not necessarily in that order.

---

Copyright 1998 by Allan Hunt (All Rights Reserved)