VOYAGE IN PERSON Comedy Skit 2

By Alison Passarelli

VOYAGE IN PERSON Convention, October 9-11, 1998

NO ESCAPE
FROM
THE TERROR
OF THE
NIGHTMARE
OF
THE PHANTOM
FROM
THE DEADLY PAST 

 

Cast and Crew:

Admiral Nelson - Carole Whittaker
Captain Crane - Sue Trent
Chief Sharkey - Lorraine Malby
Kowalski - Susan Pendrey
Riley - Kate Carter
Doc - Miguela Lopez
Set Designer - Val Raven

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Scene I

 

NARRATOR: "The scene? Seaview's A Deck. Chief Sharkey and Seaman Riley are heading aft down the corridor."

RILEY (Walking with Sharkey): "Hey, Chief, can you believe how quiet this cruise has been? No alien invasions, no leprechauns, no mummies, no mermaids."

SHARKEY: "Yeah, Kid. No lobstermen, no shadowmen, no frostmen, no heat monsters. Just a nice normal --"

STAGE DIRECTION - Have somebody bang a bucket the way IA used to. Actors should fall to port and starboard in unison (hopefully) three times then stop.

NELSON (yelling off-stage over intercom): "Lee, this is the Admiral! What the devil's going on! According to my script we don't do the rock 'n roll till scene 20!" (After a pause): "Lee? Lee, can you hear me!"

SHARKEY (picks up mike): "Sharkey here, Admiral."

NELSON: "Chief, what's happened?"

SHARKEY: "I dunno, sir!"

NELSON: "Where's Captain Crane?"

SHARKEY: "I dunno, sir!"

NELSON: "Have we crashed into that big rock again? The one that's always showing up everywhere we go?"

SHARKEY: "I dunno, sir."

NELSON: "Don't keep telling me you don't know! I want answers, Mister!"

SHARKEY: "Aye, sir. I'll get on it right away."

NELSON: "Very well, Chief, and make it fast. I'm trying to learn my lines for an upcoming Columbo episode."

SHARKEY: "Whatever you say, Admiral. Sharkey out."

STAGE DIRECTION - Just then, a horrible growl is heard off-stage. Next, a monster shows his head around the end of the corridor. (Have actor place a picture of Crane as Man-Beast over her face. Hairy hands are a must!)

RILEY: "Man! Dig that pooch!"

SHARKEY: "That's no pooch, Riley! That's the Skipper!"

RILEY: "The Skipper?!? Boy, does he need a shave!"

SHARKEY: "What are you talkin' about! Can't you see he's turned into a Man-Beast again?"

RILEY: "Chief, what do I know from 'manbeasts'? I bailed outa this boat back in '66 -- right after the Skipper got Kruegerized by Alfred Ryder. That was all the way back in the 2nd Season? The 'Man-Beast' was a 4th Season episode."

SHARKEY: "Riley, you're on Report!"

RILEY (shocked): "What for!"

SHARKEY: "For not watchin' VOYAGE reruns on the Sci-Fi Channel!"

RILEY: "Man, Chief! That's not fair! You know I been tapin' the X-Files instead."

STAGE DIRECTION - The beast growls again at Sharkey and Riley!

SHARKEY: "Quit belly-achin' and get up to the Control Room on the double! Tell Mr. Morton what's goin' on. Tell him we need sonic guns, gas grenades and stunt doubles, quick!"

STAGE DIRECTION - Riley just stands and stares at the Crane/Beast for a moment. The beast growls again. Actors react.

SHARKEY (yelling): "Get goin', Kid!"

RILEY (taking off on a run): "Aye-aye, Chief!"

STAGE DIRECTION - Crane/Beast is still growling ominously at the end of the corridor -- but he's holding his place.

SHARKEY (picking up mike): "Admiral, come in please!"

NELSON (off-stage over intercom): "Yes, Chief, what have you grrrrrrrrr found out?"

SHARKEY (looking at mike funny): "Beg pardon, Admiral?"

NELSON (sounding annoyed): "I said what have you found out?"

SHARKEY: "I found the Skipper, sir! He's in corridor A and he's uh . . . he's turned into a Man-Beast again! Whata we do, Admiral?"

NELSON: "Oh, dear. Poor Lee. All those hours in make-up. Now hear this, Chief! Seal off corridors A, B and C, load torpedoes 1, 2 and 3, ready nuclear missiles for firing, get the diving bell warmed up, and prepare the Flying Sub for immediate launch."

SHARKEY: "The Flying Sub, sir?"

NELSON: "That's right, Chief. I'm getting the heck out of here!"

SHARKEY: "Aye, sir! Can I go with ya?"

NELSON: "Negative, Chief. I'm going on a Top Secret Mission. You stay here and take charge of capturing the Captain. GrrrrrrrrrrrrRuffffffff."

SHARKEY: "But, Admiral --"

NELSON: "That's an order, Chief!"

SHARKEY: "Aye-aye, Admiral."

NELSON: "And Chief . . ."

SHARKEY: "Sir?"

NELSON: "Whatever you do, make sure Lee doesn't get anywhere near the Circuitry Room! Remember what happened the last time he got in there?"

SHARKEY: "Oh, yeah! You mean when the Mummy had him sleep-walkin' all over the ship?"

NELSON: "No, after that."

SHARKEY: "You mean when he turned into that goofy-lookin' alien with the silver shoulder pads?"

NELSON: "No, before that."

SHARKEY: "You mean when he --"

NELSON (Out of patience): "Chief! Carry out your assignment. We're running out of time."

SHARKEY: "Okay, Admiral. Consider the Skipper tranquilized." (He re-clicks the mike and hollers into it): "Kowalski!"

KOWALSKI: (very calmly): "Yeah, Chief, what is it?"

SHARKEY: "Where are you, Ski?"

KOWALSKI: "I'm in the Reactor Room with Patterson. We thought maybe this thing'd give us a tan if we hung around it long enough."

SHARKEY: "I told you guys before -- leave those rods alone! They're loose enough as it is! Now tell Patterson to stand guard in the Circuitry Room, and you get yourself down to corridor A, ASAP!"

KOWALSKI: "But I'm off-watch!"

SHARKEY: "As of this minute you're back on watch, Kowalski, and you just volunteered for hazardous duty -- again. Sharkey out."

STAGE DIRECTION - The Crane/Beast lets out a ferocious growl, leaps around wildly and starts heading for the Chief.

SHARKEY: "Uh-oh! You better get goin', Francis, while the goin's good!" (He drops the mike and runs off-stage with Crane following.)

---

Scene II

 

STAGE DIRECTION - Perhaps hang a cardboard sign on a sheet (from which actors can emerge) that says REACTOR ROOM, with a cardboard hatch-wheel underneath (which can turn).

NARRATOR (dramatically): "During the last 'Jolly Green Giant' commercial, Captain Crane was spotted in the Reactor Room corridor. The Chief, Kowalski, and Riley are now stationed outside the Reactor Room - the most vital area on Seaview."

STAGE DIRECTION - While narrator speaks, actors come back on stage with guns drawn.

SHARKEY (Looking around warily): "Look sharp, fellas. The Skipper's gotta be around here somewhere."

STAGE DIRECTION - The men hear the sound of the hatch wheel turning. (Have someone make squeaky sound.) The door opens and Nelson emerges -- as a werewolf! (Actor has mask of Nelson/werewolf over her face, and 4 stars on shoulders -- to differentiate from Crane character.) He growls menacingly.

RILEY: "Man, dig that pooch!"

STAGE DIRECTION - Sharkey and Kowalski give Riley looks of annoyance, then look back at the Admiral.

SHARKEY: "Oh, Admiral! Don't tell me you stuck your hand in the nuclear pile again!"

STAGE DIRECTION - Nelson growls! He advances slowly; then the Crane/Beast comes on stage and starts growling. The 2 beasts see each other and begin running toward one another.

KOWALSKI: "Whata we do, Chief? Whata we do!"

SHARKEY: "What else can we do? We gotta shoot! Ski, you aim for the Admiral; Riley, you set your sights on the Skipper. And don't miss!"

RILEY: "Don't worry, Chief. I learned how to shoot BB's back when I was on The Donna Reed Show."

STAGE DIRECTION - The beasts are getting closer to each other . . .

SHARKEY: "Get ready . . ."

STAGE DIRECTION - The men lift their stun guns. The beasts are practically on one another and growling ferociously.

SHARKEY: "Fire!"

STAGE DIRECTION - The beasts are hit and begin to fall melodramatically. But they are really hamming it up.

SHARKEY: "Man oh man! Fall already, will ya! This is only a one hour show!"

STAGE DIRECTION - The beasts finally fall to the floor and are silent.

SHARKEY: "C'mon. Let's get 'em to Sick Bay."

KOWALSKI: "You think they'll be all right, Chief?"

SHARKEY: "They better be. Otherwise ABC's gonna have a mighty big hole in its Sunday schedule."

---

Finale

 

STAGE DIRECTION - Change the sign on the sheet to read Sick Bay. Have actors come in and take places. Crane and Nelson on "beds"; others standing around.

NARRATOR: "The scene? Sick Bay . . . Crane and Nelson are unconscious . . ."

SHARKEY: "Well, Doc, are they gonna make it?"

DOC (annoyed): "Listen, Chief, I may not have a name, but by golly, I know how to cure a simple case of werewolf-itis and manbeast-aphobia!"

STAGE DIRECTION - Doc gives hypos to beasts. The beasts look like men again. (Actors throw their monster masks away.) They sit up.

SHARKEY: "Admiral! Skipper! You're okay!"

NELSON: "Of course we are, Chief." 

KOWALSKI: "Gosh, Admiral, how do you explain what happened, sir?"

NELSON: "It was obviously a severe case of 'Stock Footage Syndrome', Kowalski."

RILEY (Looking confused): "'Stock Footage Syndrome', sir?"

KOWALSKI: "Sure, I get it. It's like that shot they keep showing of the Chief's hand firing torpedo number 4 over and over and over again. Isn't that it, Admiral?"

NELSON: "Exactly, Kowalski. Loops from previous episodes got stuck in the cameras and Lee and I suffered the consequences."

SHARKEY (Shaking his head): "That sure was a close one, Admiral."

NELSON: "Yes, Chief, it certainly was. But the crisis is now abated. Seaview's ready to complete her five year mission . . ." [Spoken dramatically in a William Shatner tone]: ". . . to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before!"

SHARKEY: "Uh, excuse me, Admiral, but isn't that Star Trek's mission?"

NELSON: "Quite right, Chief. But as we all know, those space crooks have been stealing from us for years! It's time we sailors showed those Star Fleet boys how it's done! Now everyone back to his post. Lee, plot us a steady course."

CRANE: "Heading, Admiral?"

NELSON: "Where else, Captain, the Sci-Fi Sea of Syndication. I want flank speed or better. And tell Sparks to keep a channel open. 20th Century-Fox may be calling to pitch an idea for a new VOYAGE movie."

KOWALSKI: "You think it'll be as big a hit as the Lost in Space movie, sir?"

NELSON: "That depends, Kowalski."

KOWALSKI: "On what, Admiral?"

NELSON: "On whether or not there's a sequel to Titanic."

SHARKEY: "And you can paste that in your hat, Kowalski!"

KOWALSKI: "But Chief . . ."

SHARKEY: "What?"

KOWALSKI: "We don't have hats!"

STAGE DIRECTION - Actors laugh. Closing scene theme music is heard, followed by the full VOYAGE theme over closing credits. Perhaps hold up signs showing who played whom, while the actors take bows over music.

THE END

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Copyright 1998 by Alison Passarelli

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